"Not Gonna Do It...Wouldn't Be Prudent At This Juncture."by Clayton Chan
May 9, 2000
I don't know who is funnier, Dana Carvey's Bush, or Norm McDonald's Bob Dole. They're both way up there...anyway, where was I...Oh yeah, what not to do in a review. Well, in general, I'm a highly critical person. Some have even gone so far as to say I'm "jaded". Well, to hell with them all. This is my 2 cents, and you're going to like it! =) Just kidding. I've read a lot of Epinions on the site. I've seen a lot of good, and I've seen a lot of not-so-good. I've also seen a lot of *radio edit*. So, how to avoid being in the batch of Not-So-Good? Here's a few quick tips:
1) Don't write about something you haven't used.
Man, I looked at the Playstation 2 reviews. Something like 90+ people think they have something to say about a machine they've nevr touched, physically seen, or been anywhere within 1,000 miles of...yet they all feel qualified to give an opinion on it. What a load. I mean, I can understand someone writing a review about a car they've never own, but had quite a few rides in. Or reviewing a game/computer system they messed with at a friend's house. You don't necessarily need to own something to review it. But you DO need to actually use the product. You don't get your information out of magazines and then condense it into some Reader's Digest/Cliff's Notes version for everyone on the site. You don't read 10 other reviews, and do the same thing. You review with your own opinions from your own experiences.
2) Don't make it evident that you were only going for the 100 word limit.
How much am I going to trust a review that I can obviously tell was about 50 words worth of information. Usually what I think happens here is someone uses something once, has one thing to complain about, or rave about, and then decides to go and write an opinion. Save it until you have something worthwhile to say.
3) Don't write a review with any less than 3 paragraphs.
Why? Because if you have a lot to say, and you write it all in one huge paragraph you look like you never went to grade school. It's VERY hard to read and follow what you are trying to say, no matter how well written it is. 3 paragraphs should be the minimum necessary to:
Tell your experience with the product.
Explain what about the product made you hate/love it.
Conclude, giving any necessary reasons why your feelings might not apply to how others feel about the same product. (I.e. If you hate sports cars in general, you're not going to like the Acura NSX, while people who haven't formulated any opinions on the car may have a differing viewpoint.)
If you're writing less than 3 paragraphs, you're either running stuff together, or you're not giving me enough info on the product. 1 sentence isn't enough writing for me to consider it useful. Sometimes this may not apply, say if a movie is good, but you can say why it is good without taking away from the movie, then you aren't going to say quite as much.
4. When reviewing books and movies DON'T reveal the ending!
Some moron wrote a Romeo Must Die review and told how the movie ended. What an idiot! Reading epinions should help me decide whether or not I want to see the movie/read the book, not replace the whole experience!
5. Don't just skip over the preview page.
I know, we're all the best typists in the world, and none of us ever make mistakes, but still sometimes the computer might "misinterpret" what you typed and a typo will appear...sometimes 10 or 20...go back and fix them. Here are some definite words to throw into your review if you want me to give you an SR or NR:
"your" instead of "you're"
Ex: "Your not going to believe it's not butter!"
It should be "You're not going to believe it's not butter!" You are! It's a contraction! Get it straight people!
The wrong form of "its".
Ex: "The Playstation 2 is going to beat all of it's competitors down!"
The possessive for of the word it is "its". No apostrophe! Were you people eating paste in elementary school?
Well, I could go on about grammar for days, but I won't. Still, basic English is a must.
6. Don't leave anonymous ratings.
How lame is that?! What if the person wants to click on your reviews to see if you're worth adding to their trusty Web O' Trust? Or if they want to see what you had to say on the same product? Leave your names you cowering simps. If I see someone has HRed, or Red my review, I'll click on a review of their for a product I know about and give it a look. It's your free money people.
7. Don't abuse the system.
Or I'll find you and report your punk behind to the powers that be. I've already reported at least 4 cases of abuse that have resulted in either tickets or account removals...you feel lucky punk?! Why must you lower yourself? Don't you know you are the scum of society?!
Well, that's it for now, hope you enjoyed! If you like my reviews, then trust me! Don't know if I review like this on a consisten basis? Well then, read some more! Read all you want, I'll write more.