Unbiased Reviews by Real People
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Unbiased Reviews by Real People
The trials and tribulations of loving an Epinionated WomanMay 27, 2000 (Updated Nov 21, 2000) Write an essay on this topic.I'll have to admit, it started off rather innocently. It was kind of cute the way she would do a little dance and chant "so many doooollars...woo-HOO!" every time she logged in. And, I actually thought it endearing the way she would laugh, talk, or mutter to herself as she clicked through countless reviews, or tapped away with near-fervent intensity on the keyboard. Then it came to me...I had never seen her eyes so intense...so alive...so stimulated...not even when she looked at me? Uh...hey...wait a second. Little things started to add up. Our conversations became...odd. For example, there was a time when she looked really upset, so I asked her about how her studies and classes were going. Blank look. Instead, I was informed that she was mad because "I can't believe that they only recommended me!!!" Hmmm... Or, there was the time I visited her for dinner, and found her practically bouncing around the apartment because "I've been highly recommended by an expert! And so-and-so trusts me!" For the record, there was no food in sight. Then, there was incident with the flowers...I surprised her with a bouquet of flowers. Just because. She emailed me to thank me for being so romantic, and ended her note with, "btw, I can't believe you trusted (someone), they were ticketed for fraud!" Sigh. Slowly, it dawned upon my slow male mind that there was something very different about her. Even though she was "too busy with finals" to go out to dinner, or see a movie, I noted that her epinion total shifted from 18 to 27 in the span of one week. And then, there was the "just one more" routine that became very familiar. "Just one more" turned a shopping trip to Ikea into me watching the Lifetime channel all morning. I hate the Lifetime channel. Then, I started walking 20 minutes out of my way at lunch just to log on by myself. Still, it felt...wrong somehow. Like I wasn't supposed to be using the computer. The final straw came when I logged on to _my_ computer, and found that she had configured it to remember _her_ epinions password and account information. So, here I am. I haven't played a computer game in almost a month. I can count on one hand (a bomb squad hand sans a few fingers) the number of restaurants I've eaten out at, and the number of movies I've seen recently, combined. I don't email my friends anymore because I'm not allowed to stay online long enough. Grieve for me friends, I love an Epinionated Woman. Top 10 Pieces of Advice for the Significant Other of an Epinionator: 10) Perfect the smile and nod. Stretch out so that you don't hurt yourself. 9) Get used to repeating yourself. I said, get used to repeating yourself. 8) Get in the habit of writing down anything important that you told, reported, or showed to them. "Honey? We're married! Honest! Look, I have photos, this certificate..." 7) Either get used to talking to yourself, or find a pet, relative, inanimate object with which to share your joy, your sorrow, your (sniff) most intimate hopes and dreams. Train yourself to not require any personal contact, or to really believe that hugging a stuffed animal is the same as hugging a person. 6) Learn to speak her language. You'll just get blank looks when you say "this new restaurant is great," or "that movie stunk!" But when you highly recommend the restaurant, and not recommend the movie, you'll get this spooky answering smile. At least they'll understand you. You'll also have to get sneaky whenever you want them to leave their room. My favorite: "If you go with me to (x), you can review it later!" 5) Learn to sleep through repetitive tapping noises, and dim light; ie. the glow of a monitor and the sounds of a keyboard. 4) Obtain protective garments. For your safety, I recom-...sorry, I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you get eyewear, head padding, and a cup at the bare minimum. In the case of an emergency, (house is burning down, impending hurricane, apocalypse, neglected personal hygiene...) you may have to shut down their modem connection. Please consider this to be an action of last resort. Even you prudently choose never to exercise this desperate option, the protective equipment may prove useful should you ever spend more than, say, 30 seconds checking your own email. 3) For the love of God, do not get DSL or a cable modem. High access speed? Connected 24-hours a day? Helloooo, I think I'll put out this fire with gasoline. Give the druggie access to unlimited drugs. Maybe they'll get tired of them! Grreeeat idea. 2) Ok. Fine. Get the stupid DSL or cable modem. Otherwise, you'll never have access to your phoneline again, not to mention the internet. It's not like dial-ins or slow load times or occasional hang-ups are going to stop, slow, hamper, or discourage their addiction in any way. They _LIKE_ spending time basking in the glow of that monitor. It's eerie. And kiss your paycheck good-bye if you have to pay by the hour for access. Oh, the pain, the pain. 1) Embrace the Dark Side. Join epinions yourself. It won't hurt. Trust me. The...people here are....very nice...I...have been treated...well. I...love...epinions. You will too! P.S. Check out my musical ode to my Epinionated woman (with apologies to Roy Orbison)--"Loving an Epinionated Woman, part II"  |
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