Survivorsucks.com: Enjoy The Remaining Fifteen Minutes.
Written: Aug 13 '00 (Updated Aug 21 '00)
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Pros: THE place for Survivor-philes to obsessively debate Jenna's bra size and Greg's relationship with his sister.
Cons: The clock is ticking. Only two more episodes of Survivor left, and then this site is a wasteland until Survivor II.
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| Lambira's Full Review: Archived Web Services Reviews |
Pulau Tiga
Might I sample some vermin
From your sunny shores?
Island Haiku on www.survivorsucks.com, written by survivorsucks regular And One
So, I was sitting here and there as drunk as a skunk, randomly making skunkly noises such as “PffffFFffrrattt” as I am wont to do after a Saturday evening of consuming rotgut wine with the texture of Robitussin and the taste of offal, thinking to myself, “Gee, I wonder what Sordid-1 would do if he undergoing a full cavity search in the Maricopa County Jail at just this moment?”
I am not quite sure why drinking pestiferous wine turned my thoughts lightly to thoughts of Sordid-1, but that was a fortuitous happenstance. At the precise moment that I gagged on another fetid sip, my brain upchucked a memory, much like an African bullfrog barfing up a too-large tzetze fly. Tonight was the night. The night of the OW! OW! writeoff that I had agreed to participate in. And it was 10:12 and I have to post in 38 minutes and I haven’t even had any dessert yet and the Krispy Kreme shop is just around the corner and....
Snap out of it, woman! You have a job to do. Review now, donuts later.
If this review is currently not making any sense, strap yourself down because it is bound to get even worse. For this write-off is tightly structured and bizarre...each person was asked to profile an odd website of their choice. Then, each writer had to construct a rule that the other writers would abide by. Finally, each writer had to submit two required words. It was hoped that this highly intricate and misunderstood combination of rules and restrictions would be the alchemy that created some literary Epinions magic. This was the brainchild of Sordid-1, a man whose deviant fiendishness is belied by his constant talk of his infant son and the appearance of a reassuringly scruffy goatee.
I hope that I can keep up with the other writers, because they all appear to be extremely slender, prosperous, whimsical, intellectual, and frisky. I, on the other hand, ain’t too bright. When they broadcast any kind of populist exposition of writeoff theory, I'm all over it; I can follow the concepts, but I've never been able to lay down those synaptic connections that process mechanics.* So let me bring up the rear for the other esteemed participants, which include lecomte1, kchowell, tipu, sordid-1, DarthHappy, and 29th_Candidate by dissecting a fine little website located around the corner at http://www.survivorsucks.com.
[I should also note that I have blatantly decided to disregard one of the rules, namely 29th_Candidate’s admonition that we name one of the participants in each paragraph. It would be well nigh impossible to achieve, and would be quite annoying to read, I’d imagine. As a lapsed Catholic I shiver at the thought of subverting any sort of commandment because as it says in Psalm 30:11, “The Lord giveth these commandments for the good of the People, and shall therefore smote those who would disobey His will.” But I am just going to have to risk burning for this one.]
All right, then. I apologize for all of these setup paragraphs and disclaimers, but I hope you enjoyed the time you spent in getting to this point of my presentation.**
I am utterly infatuated with the TV show Survivor, broadcast on the usually frumpy CBS network. As a result I spend more time on survivorsucks.com than West Wing staffers spend gawking at internet porn. It is a place where [mostly] normal people get together and have a ripsnorting good time by scrutinizing detritus from the TV show: every comment, piece of clothing, and frame of videotape are frozen, enlarged, and dissected in an effort to try to determine the ultimate survivor ahead of time.
Granted, www.survivorsucks.com is not truly the oddest website around (I had initally planned to review the National Association of Meat Sculpture Enthusiasts’ home page). But it does deserve its place in the annals of oddity because it celebrates shows featuring people who are less deserving of fame than Kato Kaelin.
It is part of the planetsucks.com network, umbrella for realworldblows.com and bigbrotherblows.com. When they say ‘sucks’, they really mean “I hate this show so much that if you dare try to telephone my house while they are on TV, I will personally hunt you down and lick all of your furniture.” The content of survivorsucks.com simultaneously parodies and praises the prevailing geistegeschichte embodied by the newest and most boring branch of television, the ‘reality’ program. Survivor is probably the most popular of the genre, and it is not coincidental that it also features the nastiest and most unappealing cast members, i.e people very much like ourselves.
A main feature of survivorsucks is News, which has been the source of national gossip due to aficionado CAPLOCK’s unveiling of the now-infamous (and completely wrong) Gervase-X theory. This theory held that since some dimwit web programmer forgot to put a little red ‘X’ on a picture of Gervase somewhere on the CBS website, he was probably the winner. I am a suspicious kitty cat that had always said MOOOOOOP on that theory. Since Gervase-X went down in flames, news now is pretty much limited to which castmate has been offered how much money from Playboy and who tried to bite her ex-husband’s nose off. Therefore, let us move on to the...
Message Boards
“Es la epoca de cosecha, el momento de dar gracias por la generosidad de la naturaleza.”
On the message boards, the repartee is as sharp and dead-on as AA. There are five Survivor boards, and posters generally take their ‘handles’ from the characters and vernacular of the show, hence a flood of “MarryMeDirks” “RichRules” “Colleen’sMan” along with the more subversive “notinahomosexualway”, who chose his handle to expose an idiotic remark made by one of the more un-PC castmates.
The ‘spoilers’ board is where I put in hardcore time. No man is an island, even in the middle of "oceana"***** and leaks and mistakes from cast and crew are bound to happen. This is the board where people post rumors of those leaks as well as digitized still frames from each show to ‘prove’ their boot theories. The best poster by far is Aja, who was so horrified by Rich’s flatulent outpouring of nighttime groove moves after he won the Immunity Challenge in Episode 10 that he created ‘The Rich Dance.’ I cannot describe it. You must link through the site to see it for yourself.
On the non-spoiler boards, there is plenty of vigorous debate as to which young strumpet on the show is most appealing, with approximately 309,354,892,308 different postings as to why it is Colleen. They also spend an inordinate amount of time wondering how the other castmates (male or female) were able to keep their loathsome mitts off of her during the taping. To me, it seems that the island was not the place for romance, even though I am a nasty little piggy who likes to scream TWEET TWEET TWEET. I don’t know about you, but if I ever find MYSELF in a situation that resembles a Crocodile Hunter outtake, I’m going to be doing a bit more than rutting if I can manage it.***
Miscellaneous Site Features
By far, my favorite part of the site is the episode recap section, and my favorite recapper is Damitol. Witness his masterful description of the aforementioned Rich Dance: “Imagine if the Pillsbury Dough Boy ate all the Jello an average school full of kids consumes in a year, then operated a large jack hammer. It wasn't pretty, and seismologists around the world can pinpoint the exact moment it took place.”
There’s also cast profiles, links, and chat every Wednesday.
Since it wouldn’t be a typical review of mine if I didn’t complain at least once about poor graphic design and/or fonts, I feel compelled to pick on the color scheme, a mishmash of celadon, navy, and cream. Occasionally I feel a teensy bit manipulated by the heavy handed use of odd lighting and saturated pastel colors alternately flooding everything with a wash of pale green or pink interspersed with Brady Technicolor,**** but beggars can’t be choosers, and this is by far the best survivor fan site out there.
All right. I’ll stop here, for I fear that I have bored you nice people enough to make you want to escape to the fjords of Norway. Besides, I’m just getting more and more tipsy on my beastly wine, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. Rather than spending more time here with my paean to www.survivorsucks.com, I encourage you to visit it for yourself.
By now I am as cranky as a wet spider. WOOF! WOOF!. And I still don’t have any damn donuts.******
Good night, gentle friends. I hope you enjoy the write-off luau.
* From DarthHappy’s review, “The Persistence Of Memory”
**Tipu’s “t-Pinion - the weirdest recipe you’ve seen- ever.”
*** kchowell’s “Unleash Your Inner Steve Irwin Or Jackie Chan.”
**** “Virgin Tree Disease” by lecomte1.
*****29th_Candidate - From “Filters: If We Don't Speak Today, Will "1984's" "NewSpeak" Become Tomorrow's No-Speak?”.
****** From Sordid-1’s “Maricopa County Jail: A Poor Place To Visit, Part 1.”
P.S. Visit http://surf.to/epinions for a neat-n-easy homepage that features links to all of the other write-offers as well as demented cartoon characters.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
Lambira
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Location: bumble
Reviews written: 133
Trusted by: 305 members
About Me:
Finicky and allergy-ridden, I often display a holier-than-thou attitude to compensate for a boring life.
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