Many are the pleasures of being a woman. Halter tops, crimson toenails, a smooth calf, being able to decoupage, drink Cosmopolitans and read Family Circle without being called a sissy, the 3 in 7 chance that Bill Clinton will hit on you, our recently acquired right to vote in the People's Choice Awards. The somewhat messy task of micturation is not one of those pleasures, although sitting down to pee certainly provides a respite for those who are on their feet all day.
A Salon article on (non-pornographic) cinematic portrayals of urination led me to the well-crafted web site A Woman's Guide on How to Pee Standing (www.restrooms.org/standing.html). Created by Denise Decker, RN, BSN, the site combines her interests in sociology, nursing, architecture, and wilderness activities. I myself share all those interests, especially wet nursing, and in addition I am automatically interested in anything containing the words pee or poop. Decker's hope is that the web site will produce some positive changes in restrooms. I too would like to see positive changes in restrooms, although I would be satisfied just to see more of them, with more stalls, narrower cracks between the stalls, the abolition of hot air dryers, and a little more sanitation. Although, now that I think about it, part of that lack of sanitation may be due to women trying to pee standing up.
In the site's FAQ section, Decker answers questions such as, "Are you a man-hating lesbian feminist?" and "Is Denise your real name?" (No to both.) And the ones that were right on the tip of my tongue, "Does your husband help you with this site?" and "What do you think of watersports?" Decker isn't exactly a pee-standing evangelist; she personally doesn't care how women pee. But once she learned this neat trick, she had to share it.
The site continues with Getting Started with Techniques. There are two possible methods: the Device-Assisted Method and the Device-Free Method. Using a device is the most reliable way to pee standing without wetting yourself or your clothes and makes it possible to pee through the fly of your pants. It's best for women who have had children and women who have a low-flow urine rate. The downside is that your device must be cleaned after each use.
The device advocated by Decker is called TravelMate. You can order it directly from this site ($10.95, including a denim or tapestry carrying case, with a no questions asked money-back guarantee). It's made of flexible, medical grade plastic with cradle edges shaped to form a comfortable and watertight seal with the female anatomy, closing off the urethral opening so that "your urine has only one way out -- down the tube and out thru the tip." And if you pull the tip forward, it wipes off residual urine, making toilet paper unnecessary. Latex tubing can be purchased from medical supply stores to slip over the tip for those who wish to use the device while sitting in a small plane, boat, car, concert hall or cinema, board of directors meeting, or those who don't want to miss that critical third down play or a single minute of Big Brother.
There are many testimonials from converts, women whose greatest pleasure is now pulling aside -- rather than down -- their shorts and underwear and making use of TravelMate. The importance of having a long fly is emphasized, as is the convenience of using the fly as a fulcrum. One woman writes that her husband "roared with sidesplitting laughter as I practiced standing to pee…....he is not laughing anymore."
The advantages of the device-free method are that it's free and you can "amaze yourself and your friends." It's recommended for women who have not had children, those with a medium to high urine flow rate (those who p!ss like stallions), and "those who like a challenge." The downside is that it requires practice to become skilled (a lot of standing in the tub or shower and aiming for a coffee can). I won't go into the device-free method except to warn you that it requires a little anatomical know-how. Apparently there are red dots and blue dots down by the urethra, and you need to apply two fingers to the blue dots to direct your urine stream to avoid spraying. The key to success seems to be knowing exactly where to put your fingers, how much pressure to apply, and what direction to push. It's a lot like learning how to whistle. Once you have mastered this method, urinals will be much more convenient than toilets.
In one testimonial that I suspect Decker plagiarized from Penthouse Forum, a girl gushes, "I'm in college and you'd be surprised how many college girls use men's urinals. I personally find it boring to pee in regular stalls….down here in Texas at one of our stadiums they are installing urinals for women…..my friends Judy and Karen will sometimes stand at the urinal and see who can get the furthest arc. It works best when we are all drunk!" Another woman boasts of being able to write her name in the snow.
The last section is titled Solving Problems. "My pee stream starts OK, but then "runs out of power" and gets me wet." "My pee stream veers off to one side." "My pee stream is weak."
On every page there are helpful drop boxes allowing the pee-enthusiast to select "I want to know about…." and "I need help with…." For example, "I want to know about female anatomy," "I want to know about teaching daughters", or "I need help with avoiding drips."
One of my favorite sections is The Best Way to Deal With Clothing. One reader from Connecticut (clearly a thinly-disguised Martha Stewart) sent in a tip for pants-modification to solve that "few drops on the jeans" problem. She sewed a 2 inch (5 cm) by 6 inch (15 cm) piece of fabric on the inside bottom of her fly. When it was time to relieve herself, she pulled the unattached end through the fly and let it drape, catching whatever stray drips would fall.
It's a good thing.
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