Vulgar and Abhorrent : Deviant Epinions' Members Only
Written: Dec 13 '00 (Updated Dec 14 '00)
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Perverse and Twisted (Just like you)
Cons: Not Consistently Funny (Just like me)
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| Hard_To_Please's Full Review: Archived Web Services Reviews |
If passing gas, puking, peeing, and pooping offend you, read no further. If mucus, masturbation, mutilation, and massive mammaries mortify you, skip this review.
This site offers up a heaping helping of all of the above and became so popular at my workplace that it’s one of only a handful of Internet sites blocked from access on our corporate server- -if that’s not a sure sign of a site that’s worth checking out, I’m not sure what is!
Before you get your panties in a wad (which you can also view on the site), let me start by pointing out that www.JoeCartoon.com doesn’t actually assail you with ‘real’ images of guts, gore, and mayhem (your local news has already cornered that market) – the site instead consists of nearly a hundred animations and interactive cartoons for your perverted pleasure.
If you’ve been online for any length of time, it’s likely that one of your friends with a sick sense of humor has sent you an email with a Joe Cartoon executable download. And knowing hundreds of you like I do, it’s a safe bet that most of you laughed your ass off and forwarded it on to yet another sordid soul. Why wait around passively for your next dose of depravity when you can take the initiative by visiting www.JoeCartoon.com and be the hero that downloads a shockingly tasteless mini-movie for distribution among your freakiest friends?
Let me dispense with the technicalities first. Don’t bother visiting if your computer doesn’t have sound capabilities – half the fun is in hearing the voices, dialogue, explosions, and yes - farting. I also wouldn’t recommend wasting your time if you don’t have at least a 56k modem -- downloads take 30 seconds to two minutes with a 56k so I imagine anything less would take much longer.
And most importantly, you must have a Flash player. Most people I know already have this software, but if you don’t, you will be prompted to download it. The download only takes a few minutes and is well worth it since the majority of sites use some form of Flash-Animation technology.
**DISCLAIMER**
Before I start with an overview of some of the cartoons featured on www.JoeCartoon.com, I should remind you that I am a huge lover of animals. I love my dog and cats and volunteer for several animal causes. Yet I’m able to laugh at cartoons which depict acts that some animal-lovers may find absolutely appalling. Unlike some people, I’m able to distinguish between fantasy and reality (surprising, huh?), but if you get upset at Tom and Jerry cartoons because of the violence, I urge you one last time to avoid this site (and to get a life!)
CARTOONS FEATURING HUMANS
The Boss and the Brown-Noser
If you’ve read my SIMS review, you realize I take great delight in fantasies involving the torture and humiliation of my boss. If you share this particular peccadillo, you’ll enjoy this one. The Brown-Noser has been pushed too far and straps his boss to a huge target and hurls various objects at The Boss’s body. As the knives land closer and closer to his most-prized appendage (tiny, I’m sure), he starts to beg for mercy by promising you a raise, a promotion, and as a last resort-- Employee of the Month. The grand finale involves Xeroxing his ass - let’s just say that we get to solve the mystery of whether the boss actually has any balls.
Nanna Hooter
I‘m sure you realize that when I’ve talked in prior reviews about wishing I was a large-breasted female, I was only joking. Well, maybe not joking, but like I said earlier- I know the difference between fantasy and reality and it’s probably not as fun as I imagine to own your own set of easily accessible boobs.
For those of you living the reality I can only dream of, you may find it useful to watch this exercise video featuring Nanna Hooter, a 350lb. 70-year-old diva, demonstrating how to firm up your bosom. As she takes you through drills designed to stretch and loosen those aging hooters, you’ll be treated to sights ranging from Bill Clinton drooling uncontrollably as he watches the video to Nanna actually playing the bongo drums with her bouncing beauties. Sadly, we witness a tragic ending as a 90-year-old horndog suckles at her teats until he is mercilessly crushed by Nanna’s massive mammaries.
They Shoved a Camera Right Up My Ass
Borrowing from the popularity of such reality-based shows as Big Brother and Survivor, this show features exactly what its’ title promises – a house full of contestants with butt-cams strapped in place as they learn to get along and survive with other personalities. (Added bonus: the butt-cams are not pointed away from the contestant’s chutes- zooming in means zooming in.) The show’s catch-phrase is “Five Asshole Roommates. Five Roommate’s Assholes. Five Asshole Roommate’s Assholes.”
Santa and the Little Green Wrapper
This heartwarming and festive story features Santa sucking helium out of little elf condoms. You’ll certainly reminisce about childhood memories through misty eyes as Santa’s sack grows when he hears his favorite elf lisping “Chase me you big red behemoth” and he lustily responds with “C’mere you little green monkey”. Now I know what they mean when they sing “Don we now our gay apparel!”
CARTOONS FEATURING ANIMALS
Frog in a Blender
This interactive animation has been widely circulated via email attachments (and even falsely accused of carrying a virus.) If you haven’t received this one yet, you must be out of the loop-- you might want to consider spending less time at Epinions and more time hanging out with flesh and blood deviants.
Once again, the title pretty much sums up this one. You hold a smart-ass frog with the voice of Ross Perot in a ten-speed blender and choose among speeds representing ‘stir’, ‘mix’, ‘puree’, etc.. Little Ross-Frog actually survives the first nine speeds and blasts you with insults goading you into clicking the next higher blender-speed - after all, no one talks about my mother that way and gets away with it!!
(Did I mention blood and guts?)
Gerbil in a Microwave
Ross Perot has apparently been reincarnated as a gerbil and he’s even feistier than he was as a frog. Even the most ardent of animal lovers will find themselves eagerly notching up through all ten power levels of microwaving intensity. It was easy for me to picture the face of several coworkers (and at least two Epinions’ members) on the suffering gerbil as the little bastard refused to recognize my superiority. Admit it— you know you’d love the opportunity to nuke that member who NR’d you out of spite.
By the way, gerbils seem to appear frequently at www.JoeCartoon.com. They are featured in animations in which they rant against lawyers, are dangled in aquariums as hungry piranhas munch on their privates <funniest use of the ‘f-word’ I’ve ever observed), and even in speeches by President Clinton (“I did not have sexual relationships with that gerbil!”) Strangely, Richard Gere is not mentioned once.
Spank the Monkey
This interactive shooting game is based on the premise that a rogue gang of monkeys has invaded your rural trailer park. Your goal is to blast as many monkeys as possible in the two-minute time limit. Like our resident Epinions’ monkeys, these are nasty, filthy simians and they like to hurl their own feces at you. The fact that you lose ten points each time you’re hit in the face with a handful of repulsive poop is the least of your worries.
Lump, The No-Legged Dog
Poor Lump has an insatiable desire to chase moving vehicles and has been run over by a mini-van, an SUV, an 18-wheeler, and a Harley. But don’t despair- you can still make him do tricks. You can take him through maneuvers such as ‘shake’ and ‘fetch’, although his lack of appendages does hinder his performance a bit. It’s impossible not to love the little charmer as he shows you what he would do to Dolly Parton and you’ll find it’s hard to be angry with Lump even after he pees all over your Garth Brooks t-shirt.
Live and Let Dive
Who doesn’t love lemmings? Ten of these furry little creatures with suicidal tendencies take part in an Olympic diving competition. Your heart will race as the judges hold up their scorecards to reveal just how artistically each diver bashes his head (a’la Greg Louganis) onto the rocks below. Amidst the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat lies an undercurrent of gay lust and trailer trash violence. Even better than Springer since you get to see real blood!
Look at my Monkey
You control the speed and intensity as this Epinions’ member look-alike spanks his monkey. I was forced to HR his performance (and the monkey was incredibly hot as well!)
Superfly
There are several cartoons featuring the Superflys- a trio of flies from the hood who spout ghetto talk such as ‘who’s ya daddy?’ and ‘yo momma’ as they revel in such standard gang-activities as getting stoned and drunk. I think many of us can relate as they first suffer the munchies and then both vomit and pee uncontrollably while trying to fly. (Well maybe just some of us.)
Miscellaneous
I have only touched upon a small fraction of the entertainment you can discover at this site. If you’d like to see young men with the ability to knock squirrels out of trees with their flatulence, or burly men who enjoy anal sex with pandas or ladies who can render a man testicle-free, than visit www.JoeCartoon.com. Or simply peruse my WOT, where you can find pretty much the same thing.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
Hard_To_Please
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 - Top 1000 |
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Location: St. Louis, MO
Reviews written: 47
Trusted by: 741 members
About Me:
MARK IS MISSED!
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