Ugly in Life - Even Uglier in Death
Aug 26 '00
If you don’t believe that advice from a failure is useful, then I’ll save you five minutes of reading time by telling you up-front that I have been unsuccessful at quitting my nasty habit of smoking. Don’t think for a second that I’m opening with this admission solely out of the goodness of my heart---I simply want to avoid the anguish I suffered from receiving over a dozen SRs and NRs on my last review (dealing with another of my many vices.)
I know that I openly (and generously) encouraged low ratings, but I have changed my mind about feeling okay about less-than-HR ratings. While many of you have quite a few reviews with solid 100% HR ratings, I have never known the ecstasy of writing a perfect review---only the agony of near-perfection. Since I know that it’s inevitable that some of you have already decided to rate low, I am lighting a cigarette and dedicating the next paragraph to those of you who click anything other than HR.
You are a rat! If I see you later in life lying in the street dying of thirst, I will not offer you water-- I will leave you to the vultures! (My apologies to my faithful readers - I have done my best to suppress my desire to be a blond female for several reviews now and couldn’t hold it in any longer!)
Those of you reading this review can be divided into one of three categories:
1. Those who have never smoked.
2. Those who used to smoke.
3. Those who still smoke.
Since the majority of you fall into the first category, I realize that most of you cannot fully comprehend the utter control that an addiction to smoking can have over your life. I can understand why many of you believe that smokers should “Just say no” or feel that we are weak when we are unable to simply muster up the ‘willpower’ to quit. I’ve been racking my brains trying to think of a way to make you non-smokers grasp the concept of resisting an irresistible urge, and all I can come up with is the act of relieving yourself (I know,I know--what a surprise,huh!?)
So if you are a non-smoker who sincerely wants to understand the difficulty of overcoming the major obstacles facing a smoker trying to quit, you must substitute the word ‘urinate’ for ‘smoke’ during the remainder of my review. For example, imagine how difficult it would be to follow such seemingly simple advice as “Just cut the number of times you urinate by half each day until you don’t urinate anymore” or “Delay that first urination for an hour later each day” or “Don’t associate with others who urinate.” Not so easy it?! Well, neither is quitting--- resisting our urge to smoke is as uncomfortable as resisting the urge to pee(but at least our pants usually stay dry.)
WHY QUIT?
It’s Never Too Late
A recent study published in the British Medical Journal found that quitting smoking as late as age 50 reduces the risk of dying of lung cancer by more than half! I know that many of you share my defeatist attitude of ‘It’s too late for me to quit now—the damage is done’. Well, we can no longer use that excuse since according to Richard Peto, a biostatistician at Oxford University, “Even in middle age, stopping really works”. So let’s stop dwelling on the fact that we’ve waited ‘too long’ and revel in the fact that we can still benefit from quitting even if we are approaching the twilight years- or in my case, the early afternoon years. (I figure I’m at about 1 p.m. on my life-clock…bummer- time to come back from lunch!)
Exception To Above- Sometimes It IS Too Late
Here’s a pleasant thought to mull over while you smoke that next Marlboro: Smoking related deaths account for more than double the number of deaths each year for murder, suicide, auto accidents, AIDS, illegal drugs, alcohol, breast cancer, leukemia and birth defects combined! And while none of the aforementioned manners of dying are particularly pleasant, I’ve learned that dying of lung cancer is particularly nasty- but, on the bright side, you may be one of the lucky few to survive with only having to face the minor inconvenience of a tracheotomy and learning to speak through a voice synthesizer. Or perhaps you’ll only have a heart attack or a stroke-- at least you’ll die dramatically- who wants to die of old age anyway- how boring!
Skip This Paragraph if You NR For the Word “Erection”
I can already hear you smokers who are only at 10 a.m. on your life clock: “Hard -To-Please is using those same worn-out scare tactics, but I am young and beautiful and don’t care what happens when the clock hits 6 p.m.!” How do I know what you’re thinking? Because I felt the same way until about noon. But on my way out to lunch, I noticed that my fellow-smokers were showing the effects of premature wrinkling of the skin, yellowed teeth and nails, bad breath, smelly clothes and hair, and a hacking cough similar to my cat heaving up a hairball. Was I turned on? Well, yes-- but I assure you that the majority of the population finds those traits repulsive. And best of all, studies have proven that men who quit have fuller erections and are able to last longer in bed—something to do with increased blood flow and stamina--if that’s not an incentive to quit, I’m not sure what is!
WHY IT’S SO HARD
Get your mind out of the gutter- I’m talking about why it’s so hard to quit! Nicotine is a drug found in tobacco and is every bit as addictive as heroin and cocaine. The body becomes physically and psychologically dependent on nicotine. It affects the heart, the brain, the hormonal system, body metabolism, and more. It produces extremely pleasurable feelings and when the smoker tries to cut back or abstain, the absence of nicotine leads to withdrawal. The body physically reacts in a very strong, negative fashion and the mind also revolts when faced with the withdrawal process.
This may be a good time for the non-smoker to imagine having to quit the ‘habit’ of urination in order to empathize with the symptoms smokers face when attempting to quit. Is it any wonder that we face almost unbearable anger, frustration, irritability, headaches, tiredness, trouble sleeping, etc.?! Did I mention anger, dammit?! Is it any wonder that it is not easy to quit? Our natural instinct is to do what we have to do in order to avoid unpleasant feelings and to experience pleasurable feelings. You must psychologically prepare for the battle!
Do not believe the commercials for Smoking Cessation products showing smiling, happy people who tell you how easy it is! Do not set yourself up for failure by anticipating a painless withdrawal! Certain products can lessen the severity of your withdrawal symptoms, but none can totally stop them. If you are not prepared to deal with the unpleasantness of ending your habit— you are doomed to fail. You must anticipate the inevitable negative feelings and have strategies in place to deal with them before you try to quit!
STRATEGIES I’M NOT ALLOWED TO DISCUSS
In my pathetic attempt at a ‘perfect’ overall rating, I am going to strictly adhere to the Epinions’ guidelines which were displayed when I chose this category. The category instructions informed me that I must write about smoking cessation without mentioning “support groups and smoking cessation aids”. I suppose the premise is that there are other categories which specifically address nicotine patches, nicotine gum, nicotine inhalers, etc.
While the old Hard-To-Please purposely broke all the rules and liberally sprinkled off-topic references throughout his reviews simply to annoy the anal-retentive raters among us, the new Hard-To-Please is eager to abide by the stringent restrictions placed upon him in order to curry favor with the masses. Of course, this particular category has placed me in a Catch-22 since the rubber-stampers will scan my review in ten seconds and failing to see any sections covering support groups or smoking cessation aids, will rate as SR for my failure to be thorough.
YOU ARE VERRRY SLEEPY
Fortunately I have found a way to maintain my reputation for painfully long reviews even when faced with rules forbidding me to discuss almost everything having to do with the subject. And no,wiseass..my painfully long reviews are not what I’m referring to when I say “You are verrry sleepy”---I am referring to the one thing Epinions forgot to restrict me from talking about—hypnotism!
We have all seen the ads in the newspaper promising that “You can quit smoking forever with one session of hypnotism”. When one of these ‘professional’ sessions came to my city and was advertised as a dual-purpose hypnotism seminar which would permanently cure both the urge to over-eat and to smoke, I received a persuasive call from my mother insisting that we should attend the session together. She had faith that she could be brainwashed from over-eating and I would be released from the shackles of my smoking addiction with a mere $75 each. I had neither the faith nor the $75, but couldn’t refuse her offer to pay or her veiled threats of a lifetime filled with large doses of motherly-provoked guilt.
Three days later, I found myself lying on the floor of a huge banquet room at a Holiday Inn with 400 strangers as some guy who claimed to be a doctor repeated “You are verrry sleepy…you are verrry sleepy” in a dramatic, but hushed monotone through his microphone. I was actually a lot sleepier before he started annoying the hell out of me with his ‘you are sleepy’ routine. Not to mention how hard it was to relax while craving a smoke (and urination) and thinking about how many cigarettes I could have bought for $75.
Doctor: “You are now in a state of total submission to my suggestions”.
Me: (Whispering to mom) Is it too late to change my mind?”
Mom: “Ssshh- I already paid for this.”
Doctor: “You will not remember what I am planting in your subconscious, but will be forever changed. When you overeaters wake up you will forever see half of your plate filled with maggot-infested dog poop”.
Mom: “That pretty much ruins the whole plate for me!”
Me: “Ssshh- I want to hear what he says to the smokers.”
Doctor: “When you smokers wake up, you will forever believe that your cigarettes are actually full of ground-up roaches.”
Me: “That actually sounds better than regular tobacco.”
Mom: “I’m hungry!”
Me: “Ssshh. I want to smoke ground-up roaches and p!ss!”
Doctor: “You are now free from your old habits. Please purchase one of my self-help subliminal cassettes on your way out.”
The bottom line is that you shouldn’t waste your money on being hypnotized. However, if you truly think forking over money to a doctor in the hope that believing your plate is half full of dog-crap and imagining that you are smoking roaches is the solution that will work for you, who am I to stop you?!
SUMMARY
Smoking will kill you. Smoking will make you ugly until you die. Quitting is hard---don’t kid yourself.
You can find more information at the following sites:
http://www.premera.com/health_smoking.htm
http://www.smokehelp.org/html/help_with_quitting.html
http://www.quitsmokinghelper.com/
http://www.americanheart.org/Heart_and_Stroke_A_Z_Guide/smokecp.html
One last bit of advice…You can rate this HR and I will give you water if I pass you in the street dying of thirst. Or you can rate lower and fend off the vultures.
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Epinions.com ID:
Hard_To_Please
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 - Top 1000 |
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Location: St. Louis, MO
Reviews written: 47
Trusted by: 741 members
About Me:
MARK IS MISSED!
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