Smoke No Mo!
Jun 25 '00 (Updated Jun 27 '00)
Quitting the filthy, disgusting, repulsive, and utterly deplorable habit of smoking is not as easy as it sounds, as we all know. We know people who swear it's really easy, since they've done it many times. (Bada-bing!) We know that doing it cold turkey is a rough route that usually bears fruit for only those with the kind of iron wills that could with equal ease make it possible to live without oxygen for extended periods of time. And we see lots of ads extolling the virtues of nicotine patches and related products that gradually reduce your body's N-craving. Before you go off spending a bunch of money trying something that may not work, considering the following (cheaper) plans:
o Get a really large dry-cleaning bag. suspend it from the ceiling, stand inside it, and have all your smoking buddies/buddesses blow cigar/pipe/cigarette smoke under the bottom edge into the bag, until you can't see your hand in front of your face. Remain in this mode for about a hour or so, and one of two things will happen. You will either see the light and give up smoking for the duration, or your brain will have suffered the kind of oxygen deprivation that precludes your ever again locating a store that sells smoking materials. (The downside to the latter is that there may be many other things you can no longer do as well...)
o Go to the nearest park/bus stop/public smoking supply dumping ground. Gather a generous number of butts, take them home, and smoke what's left of each, one after the other. (A food dehydrator may come in handy to render your booty smokeable.) Don't bother cleaning any of this stuff up before putting the torch to it. This approach has a decent success rate for those who can pull it off.
o After accomplishing the horizontal bop with spouse/significant other, light up a supersized stogey and be so obnoxious with its outflux that your partner vows to never have sex with you again. This kind of trauma, while painful, can cause you to forswear smoking forever. (Which reminds me of a timeless classic: "Do you smoke after sex?" "I don't know, I never looked.")
o Some evening when you have nothing better to do (and you probably have plenty of these), sit down and figure out how much smoking costs you in a year. This includes not only the direct cost of your smokes, but also dry-cleaning costs, possible insurance premium costs (if you've ever fallen asleep with one lit and burned down your house), those pricey teeth whiteners or dental redos to restore your pearly whites, and so on. After tallying the total, imagine all the things you would like to do but can't afford, and see how many of them could be achieved if you quit smoking. (Don't try this for just a week or even a month - the total won't be impressive enough to make the desired impression on you.)
I am sure, with a little thought, you can probably come up with similar/better strategems for kicking the habit. Good luck, and good livin'!
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Member: Dave Fietz
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